Enter the brogrammer

Until recently, society did a great job at compartmentalising different types of people. We had nerds. We had jocks. We had kugels.  We had good girls. We had sluts. Now why did people have to go and mess this all up? Hipsters. Justin Bieber. Just two examples of combinations that weren't meant to be. It gets worse. Enter the brogrammer.

Now how would you identify a brogrammer?


Tight polo shirt? Possibly. Popped collar? For sure.
Wearing sunglasses. Indoors. A second pair hooked on his collar, just in case? Give-away.
Several Apple products. Running Linux.
Consuming "brotein." In any form. Brotein shake, steak and eggs, it all goes straight to those brogramming guns.
Wearing noise cancelling headphones. Probably listening to dubstep.

Spotted at O.R. Tambo International Airport.
Dual sunglasses, iPad, tight shirt, sandals. 

For the aspiring brogrammer..


Hit the gym, boet. There's plenty of gym apps for your iPhone to keep tabs on your workout while you tweet about your brotein intake, bench improvement and the schweet honey on the treadmill.

Learn to multitask. Every brogrammer should be able to program while watching the rugby.

No weekend can be entirely devoted to programming. You need at least one visit to Tiger Tiger, Clapham Grand or any other bro-approved club.

Drink smart. Vodka, lime and water? Check. Castle Light? Check. Anything with carbs or sugar? Hell no. If the club is awesome enough to let you take your brotein shake inside, all the better.

Before programming, remember your flowcharts. You can't write anything without a flowchart.

Image from quora.com

What NOT to do at the gym

There's plenty of advice on what exercises to do at the gym. On how to hit on girls at the gym (don't). On how to lose weight. How to gain muscle.

But there's nothing on what NOT to do at the gym.

Some people just don't get gym.

This is for you.
This is the advice that really counts.


Don't walk around in the changerooms naked for no reason at all. Who on earth are you trying to impress? Especially if you're old, fat, or hairy. And most of you are old, fat AND hairy.Changerooms are for getting changed, not for staying unchanged. There's only so much shlong a guy can handle in one day.

Don't hog the treadmills. Especially if you came to gym (fully plastered with makeup) just so you could tell your girlfriends over drinks the next day that you are a "Seriousss gymmer, doll!"
If you don't sweat, you're not doing it right.

Don't drink protein shake at the gym. You have 48 hours after a workout for your body to repair your muscles. Drinking it at the gym isn't going to help you at all. You just look like a complete idiot!

STOP using Bosu Balls for everything!
Bosu balls have their uses. They make for great core workouts when coupled with squats. That doesn't mean you have to use them for every imaginable exercise.

STOP looking lovingly at yourself in the mirror!
Yes, you do need to check you're doing the exercise in form.
No, you don't need to check you're in form between sets. Your body hasn't changed since the last time you looked at yourself. It's only been 10 seconds, after all.
Look at something more interesting. The girls perhaps.

Don't ask me what I'm working out today. 

I'm just gonna answer "Heads, shoulders, knees and toes."

Don't run uber-fast on the treadmill just to show off.

Because in those 3 minutes of 18 km/h, you're asking for it. Surely you've seen the treadmill videos on YouTube? They don't put the treadmills above the swimming pool for nothing!

Don't hog the bloody equipment!

Everyone needs a chance. Especially on the treadmills and the pull-up bars.

Stop #%#%#ing staring at me!

Yes I'm fitter and stronger than you, and yes, I'm doing an exercise that's hard to pull off.
Now stop staring at me, you pervert. If you really want workout advice, come ask for it! I'm not a bloody television show!

Don't grunt. And don't drop your weights.
If I don't kill you, karma will.

Use a bloody sweat towel!

Or I'm going to come and rub my sweat off on your shirt. It's great that you're sweating at gym. That means you're putting in more effort than most people. But please, if I'm thirsty, I'll use the water fountain!